Year One, Part Four
People have asked me why I’ve decided to start writing about this when it happened over 10 years ago. The reason is, I’m not afraid anymore.
When F was filling me on the way home, I wanted to die. See, Z wasn’t 15 like he told me he was. He was really 17 and had gotten out of Juvie for beating a 12 year old girl after he raped her. He spent 3 years in and was released 6 months before we met. His parents didn’t want us dating because they were afraid. I had never met them because he had his own car and drove back and forth to 100 Mile every week or month. Basically whenever he wanted to get away from his parents, he just took off no matter what his PO or parents had to say. His family was rich so they didn’t worry about paying his way out of trouble. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I asked F if there was any way he knew of that I could get out of this without getting hurt even more. I had noticed at that point that my jeans were covered in blood on the side where he stabbed me with the tip of his blade. F told me that Z had another girlfriend in Agassi who was 17 and very controlling. Surprising since he was the one who needed to have control over his significant other.
For a few weeks I had started to ignore his calls. I watched my back everyday when I was at school and tried to stay away from the drugs as much. I started getting letters from him, in which he was apologizing and telling me how much he missed me and loved me, that he’d change and stop being so mean and abusive. I never knew what to believe. I had went to a mutual friends house one day and he was there. I immediately turned on my bike and started home once I saw his car. I was too late, he chased me down the driveway and begged me to stop. I couldn’t help but stop since he stood right in front of me. I couldn’t stand to look him in the eyes, for everything he’d done to me, I was still ashamed that I was such a “fat ugly whore”. He asked if we could go for a walk and talk about things. I’m not sure why, but I agreed. We headed over a hill and got into a grassy area not too far away. Big mistake. He got very defensive when I asked about the girl in Agassi and told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. Z clenched his fists harder and harder with each word I said. I was actually standing up for myself and letting him know how much he hurt me. I had also told him that F filled me in on everything about Juvie and the girl he had beaten and raped. I looked into his eyes and said “I can’t be with you, I want to live my life. Stay away from me”. I turned my back to walk away and before I knew it, I was face down in the dirt and he was punching me in the back of the head. I could feel him ripping out handfulls of hair and taking all his anger out on me.
He flipped me over on my back and held me down. He screamed at me about how mad he was that I thought I could get away. Z said that the only way he’d ever let me go is when I die. I’d never escape him and he’d make sure of it. I started to cry and he punched me. I passed out. When I awoke he had my pants off and was wrapping his belt around my wrists. He had waited for me to wake up before he raped me. He covered my mouth with one hand and put the other on my throat. I felt trapped, I couldn’t breath. It hurt so much. He was always too big for me and everytime we had sex I would bleed a little, even more so when he would rape me. He took his hand off my throat and punched me in the ribs and then my face. I passed out again.
When I awoke this time, he was sitting on my chest having a smoke. I tried to tell him I couldn’t breath and he just put more body weight on my chest. I begged with all I had for him to get off my chest and he wouldn’t move. I bit my cheek so I couldn’t cry, anything to keep back the tears. Finally he got off my chest. He ordered me to get dressed and clean up before we went back to our friend’s house. When I saw a window of opportunity, I got on my bike and rode home as fast as I could. When I got home, I locked the door and closed all the curtains making sure all the windows were locked. It was when I closed the bathroom door that I heard a car pull up in the driveway. I sat in the bathtub and didn’t make a noise. Z knocked on every single window and I’m sure he tried to get in a few times too.
I told my parents that I didn’t want to talk to Z anymore and that any letters that were addressed to me from him, just have them returned to sender. It took several months and various attempts to reach me for him to get the point. At that point F started contacting me. We met up for a movie and coffee every month, making sure that Z was nowhere in sight. We got to be really close and it was really nice. On my 14th birthday he sent me a card with a letter. The letter stated that he had feelings for me and that he hoped that we could see each other when he was in town. Z had apparently moved after dropping out of high school and that he had completley forgotten about me. I couldn’t have been happier.
